Continuity and Change

I've pretty much been running the spinal cord stimulator all day, everyday. They told me that I was a high utilizer during my trial, which ought to suggest that the amount of neuropathic pain I have is significant. I guess that makes sense - it explains why I'm so tired all the time, dealing with the pain. It's draining. I get so annoyed when people (including medical providers) think it's my lack of trying or that I'm depressed. Do people think I was ambitious all my life but in December 2007 I started faking a health problem so I could lay around home all the time?

When things began to go down the tubes last August, I kept waiting for things to turn around. I was on the model of "get worse then get better." I focused on every little thing that plausibly could be considered an improvement - was I able to cut back on meds, did I manage to do this or that. After a while, I realized that I wasn't getting any better, and it didn't make sense to have unrealistic wishes for the future. The pain was here to stay, so there was no point in cutting out meds that made it more bearable or trying to do physical therapy exercises that worked for others but just worsened my pain levels.

In some ways, the hopelessness was hard to bear. There's not much to look forward to in terms of my neuropathy. On the other hand, I don't have to get excited thinking that maybe I'll sleep better tonight or I won't wake up in pain tomorrow, because my expectations are realistic. And I don't have the disappointment. I can just accept that things suck and don't have to burden myself with pressure to get better. I can say it's ok to take things easy, know that I'll be on edge due to pain levels, not keep the condo as clean because I can't bend over and scrub the floor easily, be tired since my sleep was disrupted, etc.