To Drug or Not to Drug

I usually find that I don't need as many meds when I just stay home and veg. When I'm "trapped" in public, I seem to need more. Flying is hell for me - stuck in a small space with no opportunity to lie down for hours. It's always a trade-off, sharp pain or the blah feeling from meds. I try to sleep without meds sometimes at night to avoid building up a big tolerance for them, but then after a couple nights of problem sleep, I usually take a bedtime cocktail so that I at least wake up well-rested the next day (even though my tailbone will throb).

I get so tired of doing this day after day. There's no therapy left to try. I'm stuck in this chronic pain condition and I feel like my life has withered away. I think about what I was doing 2 years ago before this happened, how naively trusting I was of the orthopedic surgeon that did the microdiscectomy that made everything so much worse, and what my life could have been. I border on modest depression most of the time. Everyday it's a matter of when and where the pain will hit, not if it'll hit. Little things like going to work or cleaning up at home become a challenge. I live in this world of pain that's invisible to most people and that most people can't comprehend what the range of symptoms feel like. I dream about it going away at night or at least getting some more relief from it, but it's the same crap in reality day after day. I get pissed when people ask if I'm feeling better. It's a chronic condition, it doesn't get better.